On Turning 17 – One Day at a Time

Daisy, my Border Collie and heroine of My Life as a Border Collie: Freedom from Codependency, turned 17 years-old this past April 15th. We don’t really know her birth date as she was a stray dog, but working with the best estimates of her age when we found her, she is at least 17 years old now. All of our dogs have been strays, so for years we have made April 15th the dogs’ birth day.

Being 17 years in human years, Daisy is anywhere from 84 to 90 years old in dog years. Her veterinarian describes her as a “ninety year-old dog.” Daisy continues to do well for her ninety years. 

I have wondered what I wanted to say to you about her birthday in addition to announcing this wonderful achievement of age to those of you have been readers of My Life as a Border Collie. And it has come to me to say that she and I both have reached this landmark by living one day at a time.

Over this past year as I finished writing My Life as a Border Collie and as we released the book and went on tour with it, I constantly found my self worrying about whether Daisy would live long enough for me to accomplish each of these goals: “Will Daisy die before I finish this book?” “Will Daisy die before I get back from the book tour?”  And then as I returned home, “Will Daisy die before Christmas?” “Will Daisy die before she turns 17?”

This is not a healthy way for me to think or to live, and I know it. To be preoccupied with things so out of my control is a waste and a bother. It is unnecessary worry. It is not living in the present. I do my part to keep Daisy alive and then I have to let go to the natural flow of life.

So each time that worry about Daisy making it to the next milestone came up for me, I did my best to quiet my thoughts, let go of what I could not control, and as Daisy’s veterinarian has said to me a number of times recently, “Enjoy her, Nancy.”

Yes, I am enjoying Daisy one day at a time when I am living in my recovery.

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Relationships Restored After Sex Addiction

Twelve-Step meetings are filled with people whose relationships have ended due to addiction. This is especially true for sexual addiction.

However, relationships do not have to end just because of the discovery of sex addiction. I have even seen restoration take place in relationships where the partner finds out that the sex addict has been sexually involved with many other people and has participated in behaviors that are incomprehensible.

Certainly the road to relationship restoration is a difficult one when sex addiction is a factor. I often hear partners saying, “Why couldn’t I be in relationship with an alcoholic or a drug addict? Anything but sex addiction would be easier to understand.”

Through the years I have had the privilege of seeing many relationships restored that appeared to be headed for divorce or dissolution. With hard work, not only can relationships survive sex addiction but they may even thrive.

This blog was written by Dr. Milton Magness, author of STOP SEX ADDICTION

This blog was written by Dr. Milton Magness, author of STOP SEX ADDICTION

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Introducing Some Assembly Required

Recovery from addiction and chronic pain requires moving from avoidance of one’s pain (both physical and emotional) to the acceptance of it. Yet the urge to avoid pain—through numbing with mind- and mood-altering substances, as well as other forms of escape—is natural and understandable. And that was my strategy for over three decades. After all, who wants to be in pain? Certainly not me.

Yet, ultimately avoiding my pain, fighting against it, takes much more energy and creates many more problems than coming to terms with it. The more pain I experienced, the more I used; the more I used, the more pain I experienced (as soon as the acute effects of the opioid painkillers and/or other substances wore off). It was the epitome of a vicious circle. Pain is a natural part of life. There are times when all people experience emotional and physical pain, and if you happen to have a chronic pain condition as I do, pain is a consistent companion. Suffering, on the other hand, is a choice, albeit usually an automatic and unconscious choice. As I describe in Some Assembly Required: A Balanced Approach to Recovery from Addiction and Chronic Pain, suffering is a function of how we react to the pain we experience: the mental anguish, the emotional torment, and the spiritual angst. The harder I fought against my pain, the more I suffered.

The monumental shift from avoiding my pain (in all of its forms) to accepting it is an internal process that begins with conscious self-awareness and deepens with dedicated skills-building practice. For me, this involves paying attention to the here and now with intention, and maintaining an awareness of my present experience—my thoughts, emotions, physical status—and striving to observe and accept it, to the best of my ability. Translating my awareness into action necessitates learning solution-oriented techniques that work and then practicing the hell out of them to develop the skills that strengthen my recovery

This post was written by Dan Mager, MSW, author of the new book SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

This post was written by Dan Mager, MSW, author of the new book SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

Posted in Addiction, Addiction & Recovery, Author News, Chronic Pain, Pain Recovery, Personal Development, Prescription Drug Abuse, Prescription Medicine | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

A Perfect Study in Hitting Bottom

Last evening I watched a perfect study in hitting “bottom,” FLIGHT.

A few details to frame the story: a pilot, played by Denzel Washington, brings an airliner in massive mechanical failure to a brilliant, 99.9% impossible landing. Six of 102 passengers die that include two crewmembers.

The crux of the plot: the pilot is an alcoholic in classic denial, to the point of tipping two flight-size bottles of vodka into his orange juice before entering the cockpit at the start of the fatal flight, which opens up a plethora of legal ramifications for the airlines company. Resolution focuses on the airlines trying to save their pilot from prison, and the company from massive lawsuits for the civilian deaths.

The landing of the plane is truly riveting, but more compelling is the journey of the pilot hitting “bottom.”

On the verge of a free pass as a criminal investigation is about to conclude, something within the pilot snaps when he is asked whether one of the dead flight attendants, known to have been in rehab for alcohol abuse 16 months before, may have been responsible for the two empty vodka bottles found in the trash can on the plane.

ON THE VERGE OF A FREE PASS, NO PRISON TIME, NO RECORD! The pilot freezes. Haltingly, he notes to the interrogator that the flight attendant was helping belt in a little boy when the plane crashed. He has already perjured himself, denying his own alcoholism and drinking within three days and on the day of the flight. The mask he has been hiding behind year after year suddenly falls.

Stunningly, he comes clean when he cannot tell one more lie. He confessed to drinking the two bottles of vodka found in the trash, to being drunken three days before and on the morning of the flight, and concludes, “I am drunk right now. I’m an alcoholic.” 

That’s hitting bottom. No more lies. No more excuses. No more denial. Pure and simple coming clean — wholly unnerving to this mother, with an offspring twenty-plus years into alcoholism, twenty-plus years of skidding along one “bottom,” then another that would seem to be more than enough for a bright, sensitive person to “get” the reality of addiction, the veracity of seeing it for what it is.

The scene transforms from the pilot’s confession to prison, where he has been telling this story to a group of AA inmates. He has been incarcerated for 13 months, and faces 5 to 7 more years. What happened to the airline executives who were trying to protect him and the company and themselves is unknown and beside the point, but there is no mistaking the “bottom” line. The pilot tells the inmates that for the first time in his life he is “free.”

Just much is “enough?” There are as many answers as there are addicts.  And for every addict there are friends, loved ones, parents asking that very question, wondering how long and what will it take for addiction to reach “enough.”  

“Where there is life there is hope,” I relate in Chapter 1 of IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU — EXCEPT WHE IT IS, and frequently throughout the book. That’s the good news. The not-so-good news that sent this mother to bed unnerved is that it takes as long as it takes.

May this book help other parents with that wait, on this journey with their daughters and sons.

Bless.

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 This blog was written by Barbara Victoria, author of IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, EXCEPT WHEN IT IS

 

 

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Relationships Restored After Sex Addiction

Twelve-Step meetings are filled with people whose relationships have ended due to addiction. This is especially true for sexual addiction.

However, relationships do not have to end just because of the discovery of sex addiction. I have even seen restoration take place in relationships where the partner finds out that the sex addict has been sexually involved with many other people and has participated in behaviors that are incomprehensible.

Certainly the road to relationship restoration is a difficult one when sex addiction is a factor. I often hear partners saying, “Why couldn’t I be in relationship with an alcoholic or a drug addict? Anything but sex addiction would be easier to understand.”

Through the years I have had the privilege of seeing many relationships restored that appeared to be headed for divorce or dissolution. With hard work, not only can relationships survive sex addiction but they may even thrive.

This blog post was written by Dr.Milton Magness, author of STOP SEx ADDICTION

This blog post was written by Dr.Milton Magness, author of STOP SEX ADDICTION

Posted in Addiction, Addiction & Recovery, Blog, Codependency, Sex & Addiction | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Living With Depression

masl-300x225We never thought the name of our author’s booth at the conference for the Missouri Association of School Librarians would bring home the stigma of depression in an unusual way.

We set up our booth with our books and information about the work we do – presentations, workshops, and support groups – to help those who live with and care for depressed people.We were ready for a day which we thought would bring discussion on depression and conversation on what it means to live with someone with mental illness. We were wrong.

It began subtly with people glancing in the direction of our booth and then hurrying past. Then there were those who answered our question, “Can we tell you about what we do?” with “No, I don’t need that.” The most interesting thing we witnessed was connected to the drawing at the end of the day. Attendees put their contact information on a card and left the cards at the booths to win prizes from particular vendors We witnessed more than one person, when they thought no one was looking, surreptitiously placing their card in the basket on our table. Stigma was at work once again.

On the flip side, people actually came to our presentation, titled “Helping Students Who Deal With Depression.” Some people tentatively shared a little of their own experiences. Others nodded in recognition as we spoke. And there was one person whose expressions and body language showed us that what was being said hit home.

Even better was what happened after the presentation. Several people stopped by our booth and shared their stories, hopefully as a result of hearing us chip away at the stigma of mental illness in our presentation. Moms with mentally ill children. A woman dealing with postpartum depression and anxiety. Another woman with four aging and ailing parents. One with a husband who was just starting to try antidepressant medication.

People are hurting. They are looking for the chance to talk about how mental illness is affecting their lives. Too often the stigma prevents them from discovering that others are living in similar situations. Loneliness, isolation, abandonment abound, but one simple act of sharing can change all that.

Can you remember the first time when someone talked with you about their personal struggle with mental illness? Do you remember that realization that you were not alone? Some of us have been fortunate to have received this gift. What if those of us who have had this experience could be the hope for other hurting people?

We’re glad we could be that hope for those at the conference this weekend.

-Bernadette and Amy

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This blog was written by Bernadette Stankard and Amy Viets, co-authors of DANCING IN THE DARK

 

 

 

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Partners Can Heal From the Effects of Sex Addiction

Every partner’s journey is unique. What some partners find helpful, others may find ineffective. Conversely, steps successfully taken by some partners may prove to be fruitless to others.

Stop Sex Addiction: Real Hope, True Freedom for Sex Addicts and Partners takes both the sex addict and the partner through a methodical recovery program that can result in the addict getting free, partner healing, and relationships being restored.

An online recovery course designed to lead partners through the process of healing uses this book as its text. I Must Heal: Healing From Your Partner’s Sex Addiction includes 30 videos and numerous worksheets and takes partners through a methodical healing journey. The course is available at www.stopsexaddiction.com.

This blog post was written by Dr.Milton Magness, author of STOP SEx ADDICTION

This blog post was written by Dr.Milton Magness, author of STOP SEX ADDICTION

 

 

Posted in Addiction, Addiction & Recovery, Author News, Blog, Codependency, Family & Addiction, Relationships, Sex & Addiction | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Comparison

I work with hospice — four years in the north Georgia Mountains as a recruiter and trainer of volunteers and bereavement coordinator, and going on six years as a volunteer in Cody, WY. Give me end-of-life any day over addiction any day.

WHAT?  You heard it right. For me, dealing with end-of-life is far more forgiving than living with a loved one’s active addiction. Resolution at the end of life is the natural closing of the life cycle. Nothing about addiction is natural. Addiction is total corruption of body, mind, and spirit, wholly violating a user’s integrity of being. There is no natural resolution for it, which is like living with cancer — and unlike it.

Managing cancer is the work of chemotherapy and radiation, and other treatments. With addiction we cannot know when remission (recovery) may end and the cancer (using) become active again. Managing addiction is the work of recovery within a disease as a matter of choice — one of those wonderful paradoxes that I refer to as Planet Paradox in IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU — EXCEPT WHEN IT IS.

This parent lives with the cancer of my offspring’s addiction every day. A 12-Step program helps me do so, which I also recommend in my book. Will my offspring choose wisely today or not? Will there be consequences or not?  Will I receive a call from the ER, or worse?

May this be a good day in your world.

May it be a good day in mine.

I’ll be heading into the hospice inpatient care unit.

Bless.

This blog was written by Barbara Victoria, author of the book IT'S NO ABOUT YOU, EXCEPT WHEN IT IS

This blog was written by Barbara Victoria, author of the book IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, EXCEPT WHEN IT IS

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There is Hope for Sex Addiction

For the sex addict who has spent many years pursuing and being obsessed with sex, it may appear that there is no hope. Some sex addicts have resigned themselves to the belief that they will never be able to get free and that they are destined to live out their lives dealing with the carnage produced by their acting out.

Stop Sex Addiction: Real Hope, True Freedom for Sex Addicts and Partners shows sex addicts how to get free from their acting out permanently. The path is not easy but the goal is achievable.

Sex addicts are able to find a path that starts with hope on the first day of recovery and ultimately leads to freedom from all addictive behavior. Amazingly, it is also possible for relationships that have been badly damaged by sexual addiction to heal.

The journey outlined in this book is one that both sex addicts and partners can take together. Some chapters are addressed just to the addict and some specifically to the partner. There are also chapters for both. The recovery journey outlined in this book has been used by many couples from all over the world who have participated in Intensives at Hope & Freedom Counseling Services and those facilitated by Certified Hope & Freedom Practitioners (CHFP) who are practicing throughout the country.

This blog post was written by Dr.Milton Magness, author of STOP SEx ADDICTION

This blog post was written by Dr.Milton Magness, author of STOP SEX ADDICTION

Posted in Addiction, Addiction & Recovery, Author News, Blog, Family & Addiction, Personal Development, Relationships, Sex & Addiction | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Burden of the “Pseudo-Adult” Child

“I used to think,” a friend once said, “that I was so mature — until I realized that I was only serious.”  A child raised in an environment where the adults are unable and/or unwilling to handle responsibilities is often caught in this dilemma and becomes a “pseudo-adult child.”  These are children who assume adult responsibilities when too young and, still thinking in the concrete and egocentric ways of a child, caught in distorted beliefs of what it means to be responsible.

Adults, who were “pseudo-adults” as children, are often those who distort the definition of the word responsibility.  The case that follows illustrates the adult who doesn’t know the difference between responsibilities and burdens

Debra:

Debra had originally sought therapy hoping to relieve the increasing stress she’d been experiencing at work.  Her job was demanding but it was clear that her job was only part of her stress.  Debra was married and neither her husband nor two grown sons appeared to be demanding.

A turning point was when she came to see me following a two-week vacation.  The animated woman who laughingly shared amusing stories of her recent vacation was not the same person I had been seeing for the last eight months.  “She’s had a personality transplant,” I thought to myself, as Debra walked out of my office that morning.  This “Vacation Debra” exuded a sense of energy, curiosity and enjoyment of life.  The pre-vacation Debra was somber, anxious and trapped in responsibilities.  And it was this serious Debra who appeared at the next session.

Continuing to explore the environment of her childhood, we discovered a hidden theme of Debra having had to consistently play the role of the eldest child.  “Did I ever tell you,” Debra said one day, “that my mother left me to take care of my younger brother when I was four years old and he was a year old?”  I was skeptical about the accuracy of her recollection but a family member was able to confirm it.  From that memory, as well as others, a picture emerged of a mother who was an extremely immature woman with little knowledge or awareness of what it meant to be an adult, let alone a responsible parent.  Each story of how Debra had become responsible for more of the family’s functioning was further proof of how she had gotten caught in an environment of responsibilities.

I asked her if she knew the difference between responsibility and being burdened.  The dictionary supplied the difference.  Responsibility is defined as the quality of being responsible, and responsible implies the satisfactory performance of duties – answerable or accountable as for something within one’s power.  Burden is that which is borne with difficulty — synonyms are affliction and cross-to-bear.

“Eldest-Child Debra” was caught in the “cross-of-duties” – duties that were not within any child’s power to perform – and therefore offered only a state of being burdened.  “Vacation Debra” was free of “the affliction of duties” and was therefore free to enjoy more of her life.  It was this Debra that slowly and steadily emerged. 

Take another look at the meaning of responsibilities and burdened.  Do you know the difference?

This post was made by Ditta Oliker, Author of The Light Side of the Moon
The Light Side of the Moon.

Posted in Author News, Blog, Codependency, Depression, Fear, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Relationships | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment