Healthy Together

Belmont Shore married couple Angie and Steve McCord wrote a book entitled “The Spiritual Path to a Healthy Relationship,” which focuses on sound guidance and spiritual exercises to help build or begin harmonious partnerships and avoid common stumbling blocks. (Steve McCrank / Staff Photographer)

LONG BEACH – For years, Steve and Angie McCord dreaded Valentine’s Day – the day that for so many years brought each of them grief, despair and sadness.

“I was alone for many years, which was actually better than the two relationships where I was ignored on Valentine’s Day – so much more painful than being alone and a wake-up call that the relationship was not working,” said Angie, 64.

Steve, 54, readily admits to having a relationship addiction before meeting Angie.

“I would really long to be with someone and go out on the hunt – find someone before asking myself some really important questions and really knowing myself,” he said. “I was going in blindly and jumping in and going too fast, and the next thing you know, we’re in this intense relationship, and then what?”

But in 2001, after years of bad relationships, Steve and Angie met in a 12-step support program and began dating. They were married in 2003.

The Long Beach couple is now offering to share the wisdom they have gained through both bad and, finally, good relationships in their book, “A Spiritual Path to a Healthy Relationship,” which was published in October by Central Recovery Press.

Nestled together on the loveseat in their Long Beach home, the couple shared how they were led to write the book.

“Both of us had had a lot of painful relationships and long periods of being alone and being lonely and we had despaired of ever having a healthy

By Ashleigh Oldland

When Steve and Angie McCord first met, they were both participants in a 12-step program designed to help them overcome addiction — what they didn’t know then was that those steps toward recovery would help them find love.

“After meetings, we would find ourselves in the same coffee circle,” Steve said, admitting that he admired Angie from afar, thinking that she was out of his league. “Our friendship grew, and we started finding that we were always the last ones there (at the coffee circle) and our hugs began lasting longer and longer. The attraction really grew.”

Today, the two Long Beach residents are nearing their ninth wedding anniversary and are celebrating the release of their co-authored book, “A Spiritual Path to a Healthy Relationship.” Using principles of 12-step programs that can be applied to having healthy relationships, Steve, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and Angie, a certified life coach, use the book to share their story as well as 11 other stories  from couples.

“There are 11 stories in the book, plus ours, so those are 12 relationships and that’s a nod to the 12-step program,” Steve said. “The world is a better place with healthy relationships.”

The book, published in October by Central Recovery Press, shares effective tools, exercises, nondenominational prayers and anecdotes for single people and couples. Steve and Angie said the book includes methods that helped them stay together, and the two said they wrote the book — and gathered stories from other couples — to give others hope of finding and maintaining a loving relationship.

“We are exposing our own humanness and using ourselves as an example to offer hope in a way that people can relate to,” Angie explained. “We went from being hopeless and despairing over unsuccessful relationships in our past to feeling like we have something to share that can help others.”

When Steve and Angie decided they wanted to write a book together, they kept separate manuscripts and then combined them into one book broken down into five sections: how they found one another when they were single; how couples, such as Steve and Angie, overcame obstacles and personality differences; activities and exercises that can be used to maintain a positive relationship; keeping the “I” in relationships and practicing personal care for yourself in a relationship; and stories from other couples Steve and Angie have met during annual Valentine’s Day couples’ retreats.

The two said the book is meant for anyone who longs for love, anyone who seeks recovery from any addiction or really anyone who wants to improve themselves or their relationships with others.

“We are eternally grateful for the forces that brought us together and for the honor and privilege of trying to pass on what has been so freely given to us,” the two wrote in the book’s acknowledgements page.

Copies of “A Spiritual Path to a Healthy Relationship” are available in paperback online at www.centralrecoverypress.com/books/aspiritualpath.

Also, the website includes exercises for couples. The book is available in local bookstores such as Easy Does It and Barnes & Noble.

You may have to kiss a lot of frogs, but as soon as you KNOW they’re frogs, you’ve got to throw them back into the pond, that is, if you want to be available when the real Prince Charming comes along.  Here are a few early warning signs (imagine a tsunami-horn alert):

1. He wears a jail bracelet.  This is a true story.  I gently suggested to a friend that I didn’t think it was such a good idea for her to date a guy who was wearing a jail bracelet.  She said, “Oh, but kid, he is doing so much better!”  Shockingly, he ended up having advanced stalking skills along with a serious drinking problem.  So, not dating guys with jail bracelets seems like a good rule.
2. He sends you flowers and it bugs you.  You know you’ll have to call and thank him, but it’s uncomfortable because the feelings are not reciprocated.  Not a good sign.  If you liked him, you’d be thrilled.
3. His arm “accidentally” (?) touches your knee in the movie theater and you want to jump six feet.  Not knowing whether you are attracted to someone in the beginning is o.k.; being repulsed is not.
4. You start stretching your dates out to every other weekend, hoping you will start liking him.  This is not a good thing.  He’s good enough looking.  You even thought he was cute before you started dating.  He’s nice.  More importantly, he likes you.  He’s someone you think you should like, but you grit your teeth at the thought of another evening of strained conversation with him.  Give it up.  It ain’t gonna happen.  There’s someone out there who wants him.  Send him back to the pond.
5. You are out on a date and you think you’d rather be ironing a blouse.  This really happened to me, and I was alarmed at the thought floating through my mind.  I hate to iron.
6. You are out on a date and you start thinking you’d have a better time with your four-year old daughter because she has a better sense of humour.  (Really happened to me, too!)
7. He lives in Hawaii, you live in California, and neither of you will move or gets much vacation time.  Now this is embarrassing, so let’s just say it happened to a friend.  Took her a couple of years to wise up.
8. He’s married.  Not only bad karma, but dumb.  And without self respect, how can you be ready and feel worthy when the real Prince Charming comes along?
9. He’s a priest.   I did have a friend whose husband left the priesthood to marry her, but in general this situation is fraught with angst and best avoided unless you are doing personal research for high drama.
10. He has you pick him up from a recovery house on your first date.  True story.  Now, I have nothing against men in recovery from addictive substances.  However, it is not a good sign if they still live in a recovery house.  (And, if you yourself are in treatment, it’s best you wait before dating anyway.)
11. On your first date he paces back and forth asking why you would go out with him.  Another true story.  This guy said he was so sure that I would break the date that he almost called to beat me to it.  He quizzed me repeatedly about why I went out with him.  Nothing against men being shy or insecure, but clearly he was not emotionally equipped to date.
12. It’s Valentine’s Day on Monday, and your birthday falls on Thursday of the same week, and he does not make plans with you or acknowledge in advance.  This is true.  In addition, he had not made any attempt to see me for the previous two to three weeks.  Duh!
13. He’s gay.   Enough said.

Relationships can be hard, but the beginning should be easy.  Either you like a guy or you don’t. If you really like him, he can’t do anything wrong.  If you don’t, he can’t do anything right.

By Angie

First, we did our share of fire jumping and panicked reacting in past unskillful attempts at relationship which then became valuable learning experiences. The most important thing, in the beginning, is to be very clear about what we want. Once we have clarity of intention we are in a better position to mindfully proceed. We talk about this in our book as our “must haves” and “deal breakers.” Steve also stresses that a man needs to know, first, where he is going and, second, who will go with him. Problems can occur when he gets these two questions in the wrong order! Back to the “red flags”–when we identify our “must haves” and “deal breakers” and have the courage to compare those with a potential or current partner, we will discover whether there are essential compatibilities. After all, we each need to know our individual needs to determine whether we can both have our needs met in a relationship with each other. “Red flags” are then whatever is inconsistent with the “must haves” and “deal breakers.”

For example, if I have high financial security needs and my potential partner doesn’t believe in planning ahead for the future, we might have a huge gap to bridge. If I as the
“high security need” person also notice a pattern of what appears to be excessive gambling, that might be a bright red flag for me. If it is important to me to have a child, I of course will want a partner who shares that desire. I can’t just pretend that he or she will be o.k. with that. So, in many instances, “red flags” can be unique to the individual. Some “red flags” might be universal, such as abusive, active criminal activity or chemical dependency, etc. However, we are much more interested in identifying our own red flags– which might not be the same as someone else’s.

The point here is about communication and courage. We are fans of disaster prevention – going into a relationship with conscious intention, already knowing what we want, and having the courage to discuss it with our potential partner. Not being afraid of:

• Admitting what we want (such as, yes, I do want a one on one, long-term committed relationship, fidelity is important to me, etc.)
• Daring to ask for what we want
• Risking rejection if the other person knows what we really want from a relationship.
• Risking “falling out of love” if the “reality” puzzle pieces don’t fit together.
• Standing our ground and knowing when and how to negotiate and compromise.
• Asking ourselves, “Do I really LIKE this person, enough to want to hang out with him or her should the lust diminish?
• Being prepared for the possibility of having the relationship of our dreams with this person, or moving on to be available for someone who is a better match for us, even if it means being alone a while longer.

By Steve and Angie McCord

Will it be boom or bust? Maybe you have a first date or singles event planned. Maybe this is your first Valentine’s day with your new love interest or maybe this is setting up to be the last Valentines’ Day in a relationship that is not working.

Why do so many breakups occur around, or ugh- on Valentine’s Day? Some describe a romantic pressure while in the process of deciding just how special to make it, how many karats can you afford? How elaborate the preparation? Is a trail of candles and rose petals to the bedroom premature or overdoing it? One might be struck with, “What the hell am I going through all this for? I’m not even sure I want to be with this person.” Or one might be feeling the ramping up of their significant other’s intensity level and realize, “Holy crap, I better bail now before this gets too serious or complicated and somebody gets hurt.” It can be a fish or cut-bait deadline.

You’ve had some time to reflect on how the December holiday season went down, anywhere from “better than you could have possibly dreamed” to “unqualified disaster.” Maybe you met his or her family or close friends for the first time or your partner met yours. The unsolicited scouting reports have been dribbling in and are validating suspicions that you have already taken note of. Maybe he or she is not the one and now is the time to face this fact. Maybe we don’t travel well together…through life, quite probably.

It could be that you realized your potential mate’s psycho family is a deal breaker or their gift-giving left you cold or clarified how “they just don’t get me.” Maybe you were inspired by a strong impulse to start fresh when you closed the door on the old year, letting go of all that accompanied Auld Lang Syne, and stood at the threshold of a brand New Year that hadn’t been used yet. Or maybe yours or your partner’s New Year’s promises to turn over a new leaf didn’t survive Super Bowl Sunday.

In any case Valentine’s Day is a pivotal time for many relationships: a maker or breaker and a perfect opportunity to watch where you’ve been and look where you are going. Maybe it’s time to reassess and/or renegotiate your “must have’s” and “deal breakers,” or to make critical decisions about moving on. Or, if you are one of the really lucky ones, it is a time for intense gratitude for your partnership.

Right about this time of year, we like to reflect on how the last year went and to set a vision for what we would like to manifest in the upcoming new year. The question is: one year from now where would you like to see yourself? What is your dream? Maybe even “In what ways could you relate better to your partner?”

One of the things we have learned in recovery is to dare to dream. After all, haven’t we already experienced a life beyond “our wildest [drunken] dreams?” One of our dreams—the vision we shared when we wrote “A Spiritual Path to a Healthy Relationship,” was that someone (hopefully many) would find our book uniquely useful. We saw how our previous miserable relationship experiences could actually benefit others. After all, if people like us can experience the miracle of a healthy relationship, why can’t you?

We wanted to share our “experience, strength and hope” with as many people as possible. Is this ego-driven? We hope not, as we have prayed for God’s will each step of the way. Often, we felt inspired and the writing came easily. Sometimes, when we were not as centered, we had to remind ourselves that it was “God’s book,” which is how we felt when we were able to do the footwork and leave the results up to our higher power.

The favorable feedback we have received from friends, the rich variety of positive reviews on Amazon.com, and the people who have already said they have benefited from our book–these are so gratifying and all part of yet another “dream come true.”

 
Our first year of dating, we attended the Valentine’s couples retreat and were inspired by the stories of amazing people, some of which are included in our book. We saw marriages that survived despite addiction, infidelity, death of children, and other seemingly insurmountable obstacles. We thought: here are our healthy role models; these people must really know something about forgiveness. If they could do it, we could do it. We took our place in that community, first in our dating stage, and then as a married couple. After a period of time, we began to see how our experience could also benefit others.
This year, the retreat is moving to the Pala Mesa resort. People attend from all over the country, and now is a good opportunity for people to join, given that there are still a few vacancies. One person referred to it as, “like a family reunion, but one you look forward to.” The topics are great, and we never have to wonder what we should do for Valentine’s Day. Each year, we leave feeling even more in love. We write about the retreat in more detail in our book. For questions, contact Johnnie Crean at 808-854-9717.
There is also a great Couples Communication Workshop June 15-17 2012 up at the UCLA Conference Center in Lake Arrowhead. This is the workshop that was originally started by Dr. Paul and Max O. Given the requirements of the facility, the coordinators will have to cut off registration very soon. www.Couplesworkshop.us .