In summary, our experience as single people taught us to:
- Be willing to be alone, and to say no to what we did not want.
- Seek spiritual growth by working our recovery programs (which ultimately helped us to feel worthy of a healthy relationship and to overcome fear).
- Be self-supporting.
- Envision the qualities we wanted in a partner.
- Become the partners we wanted to be, nourishing in ourselves the qualities we desired in a mate.
- Seek guidance both from a higher power and from mentors.
- Discover ourselves, what is really important, our core values.
- Communicate our must haves and deal breakers with each other while dating, and before making a long-term commitment.
Then, as a committed couple, we have benefited from
- Learning to recognize our own negative moods and tendencies in order to avoid blaming them on our partner.
- Weekly inventory meetings.
- Continuously working on improving our communication skills, for example:
o Reiterating what we think we heard.
o Rating the importance of a want or need on a scale from one to ten.
- Trading annual What I Like about You lists.
- Praying and meditating together, which can be as simple as
o A few words of gratitude before a meal.
o A prayer to turn our will and lives over to our higher power, or to remove our character defects, especially during stressful times or before a discussion of an emotionally charged issue.
- Keeping a marriage journal.
- Becoming aware of our own unconscious and often unrealistic expectations.
- Hanging in when the going gets rough, and recommitting. (One of our mentors once said, Marriage is like a long railroad track; sometimes you hit a bad stretch, but if you stay on the track it gets good again.)
- Admitting when we are wrong and making prompt amends; receiving amends from each other with forgiveness and grace.
- Being open to trying new things.
- Getting away from it all together.
- Taking time for our individual interests, which also makes us appreciate each other more.
- Working on expressing gratitude frequently, especially for the little things we do for each other that might be taken for granted.
- Establishing new traditions.
- Attending couples meetings and retreats, which heighten our appreciation of each other.
- Respecting each other’s recovery programs, continuing to work our own programs, and being of service to others.
In wrapping up, we thought we should add something about keeping romance alive. We realize we know only a little, especially compared to some who have been married much longer. We had already caught ourselves falling into some pretty unromantic habits, like discussing plumbing or household chores prior to planning to engage in lovemaking (embarrassing but true). Fortunately, we became aware of our not good foreplay activities and have made efforts to change. We can only imagine how challenging it must be for couples with additional pressures, such as raising children. For some people, having a specific date night has been beneficial. Although our renewal times are often deliberate, they are usually more oriented toward special events or retreats. We know we will never return to that initial euphoric state of effortlessly passionate romance (where for a time Steve even enjoyed Angie’s singing). However, we now share a much deeper connection and union. We are best friends, with a contented and loving partnership.
Probably every couple has their own ways of expressing affection. We enjoy giving each other forehead kisses, which are truly wonderful because they mean that someone loves you and doesn’t want anything from you. One thing we have particularly cherished is a custom CD that we made around the time of our engagement. That music, which we were listening to while we were falling in love, can reawaken the profound joy of having found each other.
In attempting to write about romance, we realized that most of this book is really about building the foundation we need to keep romance alive. For example, how romantic can we feel when we are resentful or not communicating in a healthy way? The bottom line is that by continuing to grow and practice spiritual principles, we have an opportunity to enjoy not only romance but true, lasting love and partnership.
