Faith. A worthy topic for a recent 12-Step meeting I attended, and easily the reason I wrote this book — to restore my own faith, and perhaps influence others that, in fact, ALL IS IN DIVINE ORDER.
Hmmm. Sometimes it hardly feels like divine order out here. Where’s the divine order in watching your child, home from a rehab program for the Holidays, race morbidly down hill into a fresh relapse and have to be checked pronto back into rehab for his own safety, which is exactly what I heard at a meeting last evening. For the moment, mother is feeling a tad guilty for all the peace of the newly restored serenity in her home. Out of sight can be out of mind… yet, what happens when son emerges from rehab… ?
Or, another mother related that she never knows from one day to the next whether or not she will be keeping her grandchildren, because she never knows where her daughter will be, or whether she will be using or sober. Someone has to take care of the little girls every morning… Where’s the divine order planning your life around that? Looks more like, BUT what now?
Parents of addicts live in the realm of BUTs. BUT what about… BUT I meant… BUT he/she should/could… BUT what will we do if… BUT the children…! There BUT for the grace of God goes I… .
BUT, where’s the divine order? is what those of us with friends and loved ones in addiction are prompted to realize to keep from going mad, and — by the grace of a power greater than ourselves — to live whole lives.
For parents, the nuances of coming to terms with the BUTS of an offspring’s well being or self-destruction call for particular strengths and perspective. At every meeting I attend I am reminded that our string of BUTs begin with, I am the mother/father and this is my child. Acquiring the faith to live with that BUT in the face of addiction is the reason this book exists.
Last evening I learned that our group moderator was brought into 12-step recovery through his wife’s addiction. AHA! I thought — and I know of at least two other mothers in the group who were having the same moment. He is not a parent… .
He was still “right” to question the grandmother waking with uncertainty every day with, So the kind of day you are having depends on the kind of day your daughter is having? Same question to the woman relishing the peace in her home and the serenity in her life with her son freshly back in rehab… .
The BUT for parents is that we are tasked similarly to overcome the challenges of living with addiction. What newcomers need to resonate with is the BUT that acknowledges that the addicted one is an offspring, their child, and that this fact carries weight that is particular to their heartbreak and recovery. If that connection is not made, I have seen the light fade in the eyes of a newcomer parent, felt the wind going out of them, their breathing in with, BUT how do I live with this? What do I do?
Hence this book. My mission here is to connect with the mother/father heart, to extend a hand for a newcomer to move forward with the steps that guide us all with our addicted friends and loved ones. For the parent who has been sweating in the trenches, there is, BUT, look at what you have been doing? and, Look how far you’ve come!
I don’t expect to know why my loved one and I are on this journey on this side of the veil, BUT, I wouldn’t take anything, for what I am learning, or the prospect that I just may help someone else along the way. Now, that’s faith in DIVINE ORDER!
This blog was written by Barbara Victoria, author of the book, It’s Not About You, Except When It Is – A Field Manual for Parents of Addicted Children.